The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare
Yes, there are times we go to the movies to see complex investigations of strange and compelling characters or themes opening up disturbing and unsettling ideas which we must spend time with and change us. And then there are times when we just want to see a bunch of evildoers meet grizzly ends because they are evil and deserve it. Which is to say, a Guy Ritchie film. Sure, sometimes he feints towards complexity by casting his lens through men (and women) of low moral character, suggesting his stories are those of the under-dwelling and the dark things they do to one another which we’re better off not knowing about. But no. The villains are plainly marked, even within the depths of criminality, and the ends they will come to are clearly and obviously sticky.
And what better villains could there be, particularly for Ritchie, than Nazis? That’s nothing we won’t put past them and no level of violence we won’t enjoy seeing our heroes visit on them. Major Gus March-Phillipps (Cavill) and his hardy crew of saboteurs -- forerunners of the British SAS -- are going to try and find out if there is, alternatively shooting, garroting, stabbing, hatcheting, exploding and otherwise wiping German soldiers off the map in the early days of World War II. Their goal is a harbor in Western Africa where the German U-Boat fleet is being supplied from. With just a handful of soldiers, and no support from the British military, they are going to steal or destroy the German freighter guarded there and they will lie, cheat, steal and kill to get it done.
There is nothing unexpected about The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare. The story could be written out in full, with every conflict, climax or plot turn expected from the first commercial. That’s a good thing. Or at least, not a bad thing. Nazis come along, they sneer and jeer, the heroes seem threatened and then just shrug and shoot them. It is cathartic in the extreme, like a gentle rain storm at night while trying to sleep, just with more bloodshed. At no point is there a question whether goals will be reached or if even a single member of the team will gain more than a splinter, no matter how skillfully Ritchie tries to feint. Not only is it impossible to imagine anyone being lost, more and more characters are added in as March-Phillips requires more and more help despite mowing down all resistance in front of him with relative ease. Why? Shut up, that’s why.
The point of it is in the small moments, the interaction between March and the cool-headed M (Elwes) sending him out to cause trouble, the small discussions of the trouble they will get into, or how they will impress their partners. The overarching story is set, immovable as a great stone. That leaves only the edges to play with so that is where Ritchie spends his time – cataloguing the German commanders’ horrors or Marjorie Stewart’s attempts to distract him – rather than worrying about things like danger or true conflict. Ritchie doesn’t want that and neither does his audience.
Which is fine. Comfort food is not meant to be complex, it’s meant to be comforting and Ministry is certainly that from its first bomb to its last shooting. A paean of English stiff upper-lippedness and underhanded criminality all put to a good cause. There’s nothing unexpected or surprising nor does it even feign there ever would be. It’s exactly what everyone expects and that’s all it needs to be.
6.5 out of 10
Starring Henry Cavill, Eiza González, Alan Ritchson, Henry Golding, Alex Pettyfer, Hero Fiennes Tiffin, Babs Olusanmokun and Cary Elwes. Directed by Guy Ritchie.